Dear Brüno, I am shocked by the cost of jeans these days. I saw one pair that retailed for $700—how is that possible?
Zat’s ze great thing abaus ze recession—stores are cutting zeir prices.
Dear Brüno, how can I get some “Efron hair”? Or at least some “Pattinson hair”?
Ich vouldn’t bother getting a Zac Efron hairstyle right now, cos ich am about to change mine and he’s certain to copy me again. In terms of grooming, ze only thing he hasn’t copied me with ist getting his ballensack pierced—vell, he hadn’t had it done ze last time ich saw him.
Dear Brüno, how would you define “Obama style”?
Firstly, ich vant to say zat I find Obama an inspiration—it gives me great hope zat, after years of struggle, someone can at last get to ze White House, despite being incredibly hot. On ze other hand, it’s slightly disappointing that he needed zat beard, Michelle, to help him—but vone shtep at a time. In terms of his style, he perfectly bridges Serious und Sexy...Oval Office und Oval Orifice.
Dear Brüno, can men wear heels? When and why?
Of course. Some guys look great in heels—ze singer Pink, for example. Alzo, mein last boyfreund, Diesel, vas a genuine Pygmy only three eight, so ich made him vear heels so he could give me plow jops mitout me having to bend mein knees.
Dear Brüno, my wedding is approaching and I am desperate to impress my bride. What is appropriate groom’s attire for a Labor Day nuptial?
If Brüno vas about to be married to a voman, I’d be vearing a noose.
Dear Brüno, when I walk into a fancy designer-clothing store, the sales clerks are brusque and intimidate me. Is there anything I can do to be treated better?
You sound like ein “normie” to me—I’m glad zat high-end stores are trying to keep ze likes of you avay. Vhen I go to a store, ze first thing I look for ist ein vheelchair ramp—if zey’ve got one, I won’t go in. Ich find zose mongoloidische guys such a downer.
Dear Brüno, who are the other best-dressed world leaders of all time?
JFK. Obama. Castro. Timberlake.
Dear Brüno, I’m a big believer in a “uniform”—wear the same clothes day in, day out. If you had such a uniform, what would it be?
Sadly, the glory days of ze Austrian uniform vere sixty-five years ago. Zis season’s vardrobe essential, thanks to Madonna und me, is ze “Little Black Child.”
Dear Brüno, the United States military is constantly trying to update its battle gear in the field. Are there ways you would modify the current uniform?
In mein country it’s verboten for ze soldiers to shtup each other—as ein result, to keep ze cravings at bay, over 80 percent of ze Austrian army vear Dickorette patches as part of zeir uniform. Army uniforms have to change; camo zese days ist ein total nicht nicht. I mean come on, it hasn’t been on ze runvays for over fourteen seasons now! For spring-summer 2010, ich vould put ze U.S. Army in bright pastels und slogan T-shirts, stuff like “Soldier Boy” or “Shoot Me from Behind.”
Dear Brüno, my nostril hairs are constantly poking out of my nose, and I’m always having to trim them back with tiny scissors. I’m afraid if I stop trimming them, they’ll continue growing until they’re ridiculously noticeable and flagellating out of my nose. Should I continue to trim, or is there a better solution?
Brüno was the first Austrian ever to have chemo purely for ze purpose of hair removal. It really is ze perfect solution for unvanted vhiskers—und not only zat, ze weight-loss benefits due to ze womiting it causes are amazing! If you’re struggling to find a doc who’ll give you ein prescription for zis, call min—you can find him in ze Vienna Yellow Pages, his name’s Oskar Mengele. He does other services, too—he just gave mein godson Florian lipo for his sixth birthday!
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